The best excuse for a delayed train - Aussie style

I’ve heard some excuses for delayed trains before; in England it is usually something to do with fat leaves on the line, the weather being too hot or too cold. In India, well, they don’t give you a reason, in Japan… well the trains aren’t usually late… but today on a train into Melbourne city I heard the best excuse ever. I didn’t get everything but this is as near as dammit:

“This is an announcement for the passengers who have just joined us, especially the man who joined us at Cranbourne who was looking at his watch. This is a seamless train which is a Teutonic tribute to engineering, which after five years of buck-passing still has unresolved braking issues. Safety advisors have said that the train should not be driven at more than 30Km per hour when approaching stations, which I will do accordingly because I don’t want to risk my livelihood driving this sub-standard rolling stock. So this train is late, and will get later. I seriously advise you to reconsider who you will vote for in the next election.”

I suspect the guy could lose his job for that one, but you could hear where he was coming from.

Once in the city I joined a cousin before getting arrested and slung into jail, ending up in a stinky cell with the lights out. This was all part of the Old Melbourne Jail tour, where tourists are treated like criminals, made to line up, given a cavity examination (just of the mouth, you’ll be relieved to hear) and shouted at a lot by an actress who looks like a cop from Home and Away. Being a woman, I got off lightly compared to my cousin; the men were slung into a cell with an overflowing drain - you can probably guess what that was all about. What struck me was how easily people fall into the role of obedience in the presence of authority - even fake authority. Once told to line up in the cell we found that even after the door was slammed shut and the light switched off nobody moved. I was thinking that if it was lights out we wouldn't still stand in line, but when another woman commented that we couldn’t just stay standing another said the cop would kill us if we dared move.

After our release from jail we headed off to one of Melbourne’s art galleries. There were many wonderful pieces but the broom nailed to a wall had to top it all. This exhibit comprised a broom, a picture of said broom, and a dictionary definition of the word ‘broom’ all stuck on the wall. I’m sorry but brooms stuck on walls or sewing machines wrapped in sheets and tied up with string just try my patience when it comes to art. This is when we need to have that train driver around for a bit of straight talking………